Yesterday when I was driving home from work I heard Kutless’ new song, “What Faith Can Do”.  Check it out at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7elxC8LXfzE&feature=popular

What a powerful song!  I guess it really related to me so much because FAITH has been the theme of my last several weeks.  You know sometimes we just flat out feel the attacks of the enemy, but other times, we sense that it isn’t the enemy attacking, but rather God allowing circumstances and situations that try and test our faith, remembering that the suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope.  (Romans 5:3-4) HOPE… clearly a word God has brought to me more than once over the course of the last few weeks. 

So one of the greatest challenges I have faced is how to balance my faith in my Father with the emotions and feelings of a flesh and blood human being.  One part of my heart says to trust and go on, but the other part hurts and wants to cry out.  God lead me to one of my mentors, a sweet, gentle spirit who has faced more than her fair share of hard times.  As we chatted about life and motherhood and faith, I was telling her how much I was struggling with knowing how to respond to my present challenges.  Facing that strange combination of hope and faith, which delights my soul and gives me the strength and energy to go through each day, with the pain and heartache that comes with being a mother of two college-aged children.  I’d be struggling with hurt and pain, then think, what in the world do you have God for Nina?  If He isn’t enough to give you joy and peace then what is?  So I’d let the Holy Spirit kick in gear and be just fine.  Then I’d turn right around and feel guilty that I wasn’t “down” enough about situations that concerned me…surely any good mom would wallow in that, right?  Boy, we females can sure get caught up in a strange mixture of emotions sometimes! 

But then out of my mouth came a question.  It was one of those times when you know you just said something really stupid, as far as the definitiveness of the answer, yet it is profound at the same time because it speaks so much truth to the depths of your heart immediately.  I call them “epiphanies”.  I asked, “Am I a child of God first, or a mother first?”  Well duh…yeah that’s what I thought.  Of course I’m a child of God first!  Any other role I have the privilege to play in this journey of life, wife, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, teacher…. Every single one of those come after my primary role as a child of God.  Every single one of those should be wrapped in the truth that I am God’s child, a woman of faith, a person who chooses to believe in her God more than her circumstances.  Everything in my life should be filtered through the lens of my faith in the One and Only.  Seemed pretty clear then!  Oh, my mama’s heart still breaks, but as my mentor said, just remember to tell Him, “You are the one who gave me this mama’s heart, what do you want me to do with it now?”.  I love that!

So who are you?  What role are you trying to identify with or what expectations might you be trying to meet that have not first been processed through your primary role… that of a child of God. 

“Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phil. 4:4-7

I first started this blog when my daughter went off to college.  It was a great way her first year away to send her devotional thoughts that would hopefully keep us connected and encourage her.  This weekend I felt like the Lord said it was time to start writing some again, only this time just write to whomever might happen to read.  It’s hard to believe it was February when I last wrote something.  I’m a pretty private person for the most part, so sharing my thoughts and feelings openly isn’t always easy, but I’ve sort of hit a place in my life where that’s changing.  And, I’m always glad to talk about the Lord.  For surely He’s my whole reason for having anything to say anyway! 

This weekend my husband and I took a day to go on a much-anticipated hike.  The Ouachita Mountains we call home are absolutely gorgeous this time of year.  And we could not have been blessed with better weather.  At one point we stopped at a place called “Snake Mountain”, which was a rocky ledge that overlooked the valley below.  It was really a breathtaking scene and the autumn colors could not have been more vivid.  My husband had printed some information about the trail we were on and as we rested he began to read,

“We are going counter-clockwise, so turn right (west) along the south flank of Snake Mt. In about 0.7 miles (2.8 miles total), you will reach a saddle and begin a one mile hike along a flat topped ridge. There is no water up here but it’s a great place to take a break. At 4 miles, the trail drops off the ridge and comes to a clearing and junction with a forest road. Follow the road for about a quarter mile to Goldville Divide and head south. There are several horse trails in this area so you might have to share the road. Watch for the white blazes. “

As he was reading the extremely detailed guide, I realized it was an actual narrative someone had written while on the trail--someone who was actually experiencing the journey and writing about it at the same time.  I immediately thought, wouldn’t it be great if God gave us a “trail guide” narrative THAT detailed about our life?

“Watch out, today you will find out something that will absolutely rock your world.  Stand strong though, because it will all be over in a week.  By next Tuesday, you will be walking in joy and contentment again.  Be prepared though, in a month you will face tragedy and pain, etc, etc.”

No, we don’t get a detailed map.  And I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing we don’t.  For many of us, we can barely handle some of the current challenges, much less have foreknowledge that new ones are coming. 

But I am thankful that God gives us just the information we need for the moment, but He also doesn’t leave us high and dry wondering what to do.  I’m thankful that in the midst of this journey His word gives us the ultimate guide we need.  Scripture provides the foundation on which we can build our values, beliefs, and principles.  And thankfully, even when our journey seems to take us in new directions, the guidebook doesn’t change. 

As world views and politics and college campuses try to manipulate, rationalize, and water down the Bible, we as God’s children can know that God’s word provides a solid foundation on which to stand, and the truths found in it are timeless and unchanging. 

Thank you Lord that in a world of shifting morals, values, and principles, I can know where YOU stand and have the peace and security that if I abide in The Living Truth, Christ, then although my world may seem to be on shifting sand, I have the security of standing on The Rock.

My family had the tremendous blessing of being on vacation in Destin, Florida for a week last summer.  I could not have asked for a better time of rest and relaxation, of reading and praying and studying, time away from all the junk of a previous year and looking forward with anticipation toward a new year.

One night I felt God calling me away to walk with Him along the beach.  It was just at sunset, so enough light to still see, yet growing darker by the minute.  I was immersed in just taking it all in and thanking God for the blessing of the time.  There were numerous places the sand still held remains from the day’s castles, holes, tunnels and sculptures, many now being washed away by the wind and water.  But semblances still remained.  I saw ahead a place where several holes had been dug, and was prepared to walk around them, but as I approached I saw a family fishing from the shore and for a brief moment my eyes went from the path ahead of me to watch the fishing poles and lines.  Then wham--next thing I knew I had half fallen into a hole in the sand!  I say half fallen because it was one of those types of falls where one leg goes deep into the pit, while the other remained on flat ground, so of course my balance was off so I landed on my bottom.  I immediately looked up to see who had seen me and fortunately I believe only the fishing family and one other person, so I got up with only my pride hurt and continued on. 

But no sooner was I walking when God said, “Nina, that is such a picture of your life, you walk along on my path, then in one second you are distracted from my way and find yourself in a pit, or at least half way in a pit.”  So true.  How can I walk so closely with the Lord and then in one brief moment my eyes are off of Him and I find myself in a mess.  But thankfully God already knew about that pit, and how I would find myself in such a hole and had already made provision to get me out. Thank you Lord for being my God in and out of the holes.  That I know you are with me through every situation.  May I learn to keep my eyes on you, for only then is my path level.

“Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.  Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.  Do now swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”  Prov. 4:25-27

Acting vs. being

            I’ve spent a considerable amount of my life trying to please God and people.  And yes, I do believe we are to be aware of our actions, attitudes, and words, but there can also be a place we are that is not healthy, when we are driven to act certain ways just in order to please others, or at the least, to hope they think well of us.  Truly the world is a stage, and we are all actors in the play, but the question is, are we “acting” out the Christian life on the surface, or are we truly transformed into “being” a new creature?  I knew rules, religion, being a “good-girl”, but I did not until much later in life, understand the difference between those things and truly allowing God’s spirit to live inside of me and that He would be the source of any “goodness”…Him working in and through me, not me trying to be good.   We are saved through “the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth.”  (2 Thess. 2:13b) 

            One of the greatest lessons we can learn is that we are not capable of anything good apart from God.  That even on our best days, in our best behavior, we are still flesh and we are still dust, and we will fall and fail.  This leads us to know our utter dependence on Him for everything, including any goodness found in us.  “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.”  (2 Cor. 3:5)

            So as we face pressures to live right, we must remember that in this area, we are not to be actors, but real life people with real life stories, and real life problems, who are seeking to “be” different through the power of the Holy Spirit inside us.  Be real, be true, live without a mask, but in that, seek to let God be the One living and flowing in and through you.

I am going to break away from my usual habit of writing my own devotional thought to actually borrowing (with credit J)  someone else’s.  But I will tell you what led me to this.

This summer as I studied the Psalms of the Ascent in a Beth Moore study, I memorized this verse.  “Ps 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.”  I found the verse fascinating, and also very intriguing.  Because I did not breast feed either of my own children (sorry kids if that embarrasses you, if it makes you feel any better, I’m still a little modest just typing it.)  I didn’t have a real understanding of the process.  So what puzzled me about the verse was the implication that a child that was weaned would be more at peace than one who was still nursing.  I could picture a nursing child, resting peacefully at his mother’s breast, but the idea of one that was weaned still puzzled me.

Then came Sugar...Sugar is my 8 week old (?) kitten whom I just adore.  But Sugar has one vice.  She was not totally weaned from her mother when she was given to me.  So although she will eat her solid cat food and drink her little milk from a bowl, she is still not content at night.  Every night for the last two weeks we’ve re-played the same scene over and over.  I get ready to lay down to go to sleep, Sugar lays down with me, within a few minutes, she’s all over my face, my neck, my hair, my ears, anything her little mouth can try to latch onto trying desperately to find something to suck.  After a few bites on the nose and ears, I usually end up having to take her in another room just so I can have some peace.

But Sugar’s discontentment at “settling” in time continued to remind me of this verse out of Psalms  and it all began to make sense.  Sugar was not completely weaned, so she was restless, unsettled, caught in the world between a nursing kitten and a fully weaned kitten.  Is that maybe how we are sometimes as Christians?  We have begun to move away from the milk, but we aren’t quite content with the meat yet either.  Something in us is unsettled and discontent.  Could it be that this verse holds the key?  Notice the phrasing, ‘I have stilled and quieted my soul’ and I guess if the truth be told, this part confused me some, too.  I thought “I can’t control my emotions”, but can I?  As a believer, I have the Holy Spirit living in me and as a result, I do have the POWER of that same Spirit living in me.  So, with the Spirit’s guidance, I can learn to still and quiet my own soul. 

Weaned Children by Nancy Wilson

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me. --Psalm 131:2

We are accustomed to think that we have little control over the state of our souls. We observe the condition of our souls as though we are spectators, much as we might view the weather, thankful for the days that are not troublesome or disruptive to us, and hoping the turbulent days will pass quickly.

But this psalm has a very different perspective. The psalmist has taken the initiative to quiet his own soul. He does not simply say, "I am having a difficult day." He has not looked to someone else to calm his soul. He has calmed and quieted his soul himself, and he compares his soul to a weaned child.

What is a weaned child like? A weaned child is able to eat food other than milk. He is past the stage of fussing and crying for milk. He is no longer whining and complaining, and he is able to be with his mother without fretting for the breast or the bottle.

How can our soul be compared to such a weaned child with his mother? This kind of weaned soul is the gentle, quiet soul described in 1 Peter 3:4. It is internal and hidden. It is incorruptible. It is very precious to God. A weaned soul is a soul that is comfortable and gracious, quiet and peaceful. It can rest in God's arms without fretting, worrying, struggling, or wanting. It is a soul that has been chastened and disciplined into quietness.

Do you have a weaned soul? Have you learned to calm and quiet your own soul, or is your soul still unruly and demanding attention? Must everyone stop what they are doing to calm your soul for you? Are you more like the weaning child, whining and miserable, than the child who is weaned? A weaned child is moving on to maturity. A weaning child is still in its infancy and is still very dependent on milk. Which describes you?

When your soul is troubled and disturbed, you must learn to calm and quiet it. Many things in this life can disrupt our peace and joy. As Christian women we must learn to take the initiative in this, and quiet and calm our souls. Is your soul inclined to panic and struggle at the first opportunity, or have you disciplined your soul to incline to rest and peace?

Weaning is a gradual process. Mother begins to taper off the milk until the child no longer needs it. The child looks past the milk and is secure in mother herself. Little by little the child becomes able to go without, and eventually, one day is completely weaned. This is the way we must approach our souls. We must learn to say no to ungodly passions that well up within us (Titus 2:12). We must learn to identify the things that disquiet us. We must learn to speak to our soul comforting and calming words and direct our vision to Christ alone. This is a process that is linked very much to our sanctification. We are growing to become mature in Him. We must begin by disciplining our souls when they are discontented, frustrated, demanding attention, or troubled in any way. We must take responsibility for the state of our soul and have the goal in mind to wean our souls.

Consider these examples. You may wake in the night and begin to worry about something. Meditate on this verse. Is your soul fussing like an unhappy baby? Perhaps your husband is traveling and you're worried about being alone. Can you calm your soul by reminding yourself of the truths of Scripture and the faithfulness of God? Surely, David had many trials and troubles, yet he was able to quiet his soul. Let your soul find comfort in God rather than in all His external benefits. Consider times of testing as opportunities for you to wean your soul. And be thankful. Feed upon God's promises, and don't whine for what He has not given you.

Once we understand this concept, we will identify our own unweaned behavior, and it will shame us to recognize our own status as unweaned children. But then we can begin in humbled fashion to calm and quiet our souls and wean them from the cares and worries that so easily distract us. Then we can join with the Psalmist in saying, "Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me."

April 17, 2008

“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure.  The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”  Ps. 16:5-6

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day.  After working through most of lunch, I decided I really needed to get out into the sunshine for just a few minutes.  So I grabbed my yogurt and headed to the park.  As I drove around the back of the headstart, there I saw them.  About fifteen little tikes all riding around in a big circle, each on their own special tot bike.  I could see the little girls’ hair blowing in the wind and the special pom pons on handlebars flapping in the breeze.   Even as I drove past, I could sense their perceived new found freedom and they were, for all intents and purposes, totally oblivious to the five or six adults who were scattered throughout the circle, standing on guard to make sure no one got hurt.

I’ll admit for one fleeting moment I thought I’d like to be five again…but then I decided no, I really didn’t want to have to learn all the hard lessons over and go through the hills and valleys that have been a part of my journey thus far.  But I did realize that even at this age, my life can be like that little child.  Peddling my little life as fast I can, hair blowing in the breeze, and feeling like I own the world, so enraptured by my perceived freedom, that I forget God and his army of angels are camped around me, watching over and protecting me.  And just as these little ones will someday ride outside the circle, because they are enticed to even more freedom, so will I often be tempted to move outside the security of God’s boundary lines of protection.  But I am reminded by Ps 16 that the boundary lines which have fallen are good places…in exactly the right place, for only my God really knows my limitations as a human being.  He created me, so He knows my thoughts and my heart.  And although He loves me enough to let me ride outside the circle, He will not just stand there and let me ride off into the sunset alone.  No, He will follow me and continue to pursue me, and gently lead me back into His circle of protection, where “supervised freedom” is the greatest freedom of all.

This morning was another emotional roller coaster for me.  I almost feel like I’ve got some kind of split personality, I’m strong and independent one minute, then weak and crying the next.  I’ve been upset and emotional about having to spend so many hours alone, coming home to an empty house, going to bed in an empty bed, walking through empty bedrooms, desperately wanting some human interaction.  A good friend emailed this morning and reminded me that God allows these times to grow us and to draw us unto Himself.  Maybe my perspective was wrong.  Maybe I was forgetting that in His Sovereignty, He knew I needed to work through these feelings with Him alone, and especially not try to depend on any one human, particularly my husband, to fill these empty places in my heart.

Somewhere in the process of trying to catch hold of this truth, I was interrupted by a phone call from the Roto-Rooter man.  Now I don’t mean to be disparaging, but even on the phone I was afraid all the stereotypical sayings about plumbers was about to be proved accurate once again.  The little guy was about as country as they get, and although he was very nice, I could tell he wasn’t real sure about this particular service call.  I sort of chuckled to myself about the whole thing and then conceded that he and I weren’t communicating so well, so I told him I’d have my husband call him and maybe they could speak the same language a little better than me.

Pretty soon he shows up at the door and my suspicions were confirmed.  Again, not to be disparaging, but I could have taken the flashlight and shown it onto the wall just as well.  I could tell he wasn’t too crazy about having to crawl up into the cabinet either, but he finally did and then proceeded to give me directions as to things to try on the outside while he shined his light on the inside.  (a process, by the way, that my husband and I had done repeatedly last weekend...and we didn’t get paid $67/hour to do it).  One time he asked me to go turn on the water faucet outside, as I stepped out, I heard the Lord say, “Nina, pay attention, there’s a lesson to learn from this Roto-Rooter guy.”  Again, I chuckled and could hardly wait to get back into the house to write a few thoughts down.  About that time my husband came home and he sort of took over the communication.  At one point when we were alone, I asked him if he was sure this was the guy we wanted to do this job, and he assured me that it would be fine and reminded me that plumbers aren’t customer relations experts..that’s an understatement! 

Anyway, after several repeated statements like, “I don’t know...it will sure be hard”, “that’s going to be a big job”, “I’ll try but it will sure take a lot of work.” I was beginning to get the definite feeling he didn’t want to do this job.  He said give him a few minutes and he’d be back with an estimate.  I knew he’d make it so high that we’d have to think long and hard before we asked him to do the job...and it worked.  When he quoted us at least $500, Dave backed away and decided maybe we could try to fix it ourselves.  So we politely paid him the $67 for coming to use his flashlight at our house, and once again I was left alone in the quietness of our house.

But now I had a new outlook, and new mission for the day.  God had been trying to remind me all along this morning that all that I am dealing with right now is just between us.  That although He uses others for intercession and support, there are some things that we just flat have to do on our own with Him.  That sometimes the “cost” is too high to involve others, and it’s time for us to just get down on our knees and get busy with the work He’s called us to.   And just as our leak represents an area of weakness somewhere in our plumbing, so He longs to expose and reveal those areas of weakness that lie inside my heart.  And no one, no human “expert”, can repair that damage—only  God alone. 

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

                                                                               --Ps 62:5-8